Freon Blogg

Dear United States of America:

It has been a year since our last letter. Now, at the dawn of 2006, we feel the need to address You once more. We still salute You, America. Your greatness knows no bounds. Your place as the richest and most powerful nation in the known universe is still unchallenged. The number one slot in the race for world domination is still held in Your firm grasp and we, the rest of the world, can only look upon You in monumental awe.

When it comes to the Greenhouse effect and consumption of energy You are still number one. A fifth of the world’s emissions of Carbon Dioxide comes from Your powerful chimney stacks and exhaust pipes. A full quarter of the planet’s entire output of energy goes directly to appliances and industries in Your magnificent nation. Of all the barrels of oil produced in both hemispheres You consume 25 percent. These numbers are truly extraordinary, especially when considering how the people of Your awesome nation constitute a mere five percent of the world’s population. Feel proud, America!

Your dedication to World Peace is the true pinnacle of Your monumentous achievement. A year on since our last letter You are still making great sacrifices on the altar of Democracy and Freedom. Do not let minor hiccups stear you away from that most prized of our goals. Feel free to use any methods You deem necessary to reach everlasting Peace. Fire and brimstone are at Your disposal. On a grand scale, may it rain upon evil nations and set their children ablaze. On a small scale, may it loosen the tounges of Your caged enemies so that they reveal their evil plots however true they may be. Your enemies may accuse You of redefining words and not holding Yourself up to the same standards as You do onto others. Do not listen to such nonsensical talk. The means are justified by the very essence of the goal - Democracy and Freedom for all, especially for You.

Now, when the Civil War of Christmas appears to be over, and the winner is declared to be our Saviour, You can return to Your daily chores of bringing Christ to the rest of the world. This is an important task, of which You are probably well aware, and it will not be completed until every soul on this fragile planet recognize Jesus Christ as our only Saviour. Those who cannot tolerate God as the only true deity must stand before Satan. Even those of Your enemies who worship the same god as You, but reveal no understanding of Jesus as His son, must be paddocked through the gates of Hell. Men who lie with men are still not recognized as equal and God approves. They shall never be able to sign the same kind of papers as men who lie with women are able to sign. Just raising the question about how Cain and Abel procreated must be deemed blasphemy. Furthermore, Your eternal God does not approve of medical doctors who ends the lives of unborn children. This barbaric practice shall be met with the only effective measure available: the capital punishment, or a blessed pipebomb. The only true and forgiving God is Yours and You shall find yourselves in the green pastures of Heaven.

The year of 2006, the dawn of which is upon us, shall belong to You, America. Do not be discouraged by setbacks and critizism. The persons setting You back or critizising You shall stand before Lucifer in terror. May God bless America.

Yours sincerely,

the rest of the world 

Dear United States of America:

At the dawn of 2005 we salute you, America; your greatness, your position as the richest and most powerful nation on the planet. We have seen you victimizing yourselves, downgrading your part in this world, succumbing to trembling fear. It is time to look forward, to see to a brighter day. You see, you continue to change the course of all our destinies. All eyes are still upon you to lead this fragile planet. And you know what? You are still the number one nation in the world. Here are some reasons why:

You are the number one consumer of oil in the world. In 2003 you consumed 20.071.000 barrels of oil which is 25.1 % of the world’s total (more than a quarter). You consumed more than three times as much as China and India together (that’s 2.5 billion people!), and you consumed more than seven times as much oil as the entire continent of Africa. You are also the number one consumer of coal (22.3 %), natural gas (24.3 %), and nuclear energy (30.4 %). Feel proud America! You still devour more oil, coal, natural gas, and nuclear energy per person than any other country in the world. You could, however, improve your consumption of hydroelectricity (where both Canada and Brazil beat You), and why not solar energy, which is still not used in many parts of the world. But like we said: It is time to look to new challenges.

You are the number one emitter of polluting gasses in the world, and you belong a very exclusive club by not ratifying the Kyoto Protocol, along with Monaco, Lichtenstein, and Switzerland. You emit more than 20 % of the world’s Carbon Dioxide. You emit more than 15 % of the world’s Sulfur Dioxide. You emit almost 20 % of the world’s Nitrogen Oxide. You emit more than 10 % of the world’s Carbon Monoxide. That is no easy feature. It is partly due to your SUV:s, of which you have the most per capita than any other country in the world. Why use your bicycle to go buy a gallon of milk, when you can use a vehicle built to pull four tonnes!? If you feel like you have reached the pinnacle of vehicle evolution, we think it is time to look to caterpillars and 18 wheeler rigs. That is a challenging area still unexplored for everyday use.

You are of a generous nature, America, which we certainly noticed after the earthquake in Southeast Asia. We are glad you at first were able to find $ 35 million in your deep pockets to help some of the poorest nations in the world. The same generosity you showed your own president, whose upcoming inauguration will cost more than $ 40 million. You certainly choose wisely when deciding where to spend your tax dollars and we celebrate you for it. Now that you have upgraded the help to Southeast Asia we expect you to throw your president an even bigger party.

You are dedicated to world peace, the most prized of our common goals. The fact that you are not afraid to slay innocent people around the world, and even your own children, can not be seen as anything other than a great sacrifice on the altar of peace and prosperity. When there are so many people suffering in the world, whether it be under a cruel dictator or under a democratically elected government, there is nothing like bringing a war upon them to bring them in line with your benign and enlightened will.

You are a humble nation of people devoted to God, which is much needed in this godless world. To call upon our supreme deity whenever ending a public speech is a trait politicians all over the world envy and it surely could not offend anyone, even within your borders. The recent fight against people not wanting to celebrate the birth of Jesus, our saviour, also proves that the work of the Crusades is not yet completed. The pro-life activists is another example of godly people willing to slay people in order to prevent the horrendous act of killing innocent unborn babies. The mothers truly should have no say in that. It should not matter if the father of the child is also the father of the mother. Also, keep up the good work of streamlining your entire legal system into the stone tablets received by the great Moses on Mount Sinai. There are too many laws protecting sinners like promiscious teenagers and homosexuals. In that respect we are glad that you are following the footsteps of Ayatollah Khomeini, the Saud family, and the Taleban. They surely must be your rolemodels into transforming the United States of America into an awesome religious nation under God. However, we also agree that some secular laws should be kept in order to protect the almighty multinational companies which rake in profits for your great nation. The environment and worker’s rights, especially in other parts of the world, are the real threats against your formidable industry.

Keep on the good work of inspiring people and nations all over the world. Countries like Iran and North Korea will soon be true superpowers with your help. Particularily a nation like Iraq has benefitted from cooperation with your mighty military. Soon they will shower you with riches, of the black oily kind, and you will stay in the spotlight of the eternal sunshine of the world.

May God bless America. Always.

Yours sincerely,

the rest of the world

PS. You must consider changing the constitution so the sitting president can stay in power forever. Never has there been so much good will in the world towards the United States of America as there is now. He surely must do something right. DS.

Who will be leader of the U.S.A?
Election time is always shove and push
They must sling mud, each other’s face thus spray
Select, elect the Kerry or the Bush

Bush Junior has the bling bling, oh so much
He shows on television all he wants
Some help he gets from Fox and friends and such
Aid him with words, and jokes, and lies, and taunts

Against him Kerry stands in polls not pleased
A once upon a time heroic man
Reduced to rubble by the right wing beast
He stands no chance, without a single plan

The president elect will meet the cheers
Even though Bush will stay for four more years

/Fred